I Am the Snake, Bite Bite Bite: AOL cut
-by evil_deceiver-
(Staple remover #1 wanders onto the tableau. The "Welcome" sound is
heard faintly in the background.)
One: I am the snake! Bite bite bite!
(Staple remover #2 moves onto the tableau, purposefully.)
Two: StaplRmvr1, being the snake is a violation of the Terms
of Service. Please stop immediately and go to keyword: TOS to review these
terms.
(One opens and closes its fangs menacingly in Two's general direction.
No sound comes out.)
(Staple remover #3 attempts to enter the tableau from stage right.
Two turns to Three and hisses. Three quickly falls backwards,
off-stage.)
One (still having trouble biting): Hey, how come
I can't say "bite"?
Two: StaplRmvr1, profanity is a violation of the Terms
of Service. Please stop immediately and go to keyword: TOS to review
these terms.
(Three attempts to enter the tableau from stage right. Two turns to
Three and hisses. Three quickly falls backwards, off-stage.)
One (giving up): Ahhh, this bites.
(Two does nothing.)
(One attempts to open and close its fangs menacingly, without
success.)
One: Hey, how come I can't bite?
Two: We're sorry, biting is temporarily unavailable.
Please try again in fifteen minutes.
One: Fifteen minutes? Man, this scene'll be over by
then!
(Three attempts to enter the tableau from stage right. Two turns to
Three and hisses. Three quickly falls backwards, off-stage. Three
repeats, with similar results.)
One: Hey, how come you won't let that guy on?
Two: Due to how much the world loves our blank tableau
here, availability may be limited during peak hours.
One: It's three in the morning!
Two: Not in Japan.
(Three finally makes it onto the tableau without obstruction. The
"Welcome" sound is heard faintly in the background.)
Two (anxiously, to Three): Would you like one of
our Visa cards?
Three: Ummm, no.
Two: How about a limited-edition CD-ROM Bible?
Three: Not really.
Two: Can we interest you in one of our modems?
Three: Nope.
Two: Would you like one of our Visa cards?
Three: No, goddammit!
Two: You may have already won a VW Beetle!
Three: Listen, if it works as well as your software,
you can forget it.
I didn't even want to come here. I was trying to format one of your damn
disks and I activated it instead. I tried to close the program but it's
taken over my hard drive, my monitor, my phone line, and most of my family
room.
Two (turning to One, who has been running around in
the background during this entire exchange): You have been idle for a
while. Would you like to stay online?
One: Uhh . . . yeah!
(Two shrugs, insofar as staple removers are capable of this act. A
moment of silence passes.)
One (aside to Three): Hello, I'm a member of the
Blank Tableau's support staff. When you wandered on to the tableau this
evening, there was a power surge in one of our data banks, and your password
was lost. In order to ensure that your continued ability to enjoy the
Tableau, please give me your password now so that it may be re-entered.
Three: You're kidding.
One: Nope.
Three: Okay, whatever.
(Three walks over to One and hands
something to it. One cackles.)
Three (looking around): Screw this.
(Exits stage right.)
Two (calling after Three): Hey, watch your
language!
(One cackles again, louder. Almost immediately a staple remover of
Three's size, but One's color, enters stage left.)
Three: I am the snake! Bite bite bite!
One: No, I am the snake! Bite bite bite!
Three: No, I am the snake! Bite bite bite!
One: No, I am the snake! Bite bite bite!
(The real Three attempts to re-enter the tableau from stage right.
Two turns to Three and hisses. Three quickly falls backwards,
off-stage.)
Three: No, I am the snake! Bite bite bite!
One: No, I am the snake! Bite bite bite!
(Three enters from stage right, carrying something that approximates
a telephone, the cord trailing offstage behind him.)
Three (into the phone): Hello?
(Two exits stage right and returns shortly with the other end of the
telephone device.)
Two: Hello?
Three: Hi, I can't get into my account.
Two: What's your account's name?
Three: StaplRmvr3.
Three: No, I am the snake! Bite bite bite!
One: No, I am the snake! Bite bite bite!
Two: Don't lie to me. You're online right now. How
could you be locked out of your account?
Three: That's not me! It must be whoever's keeping me
out!
Two: Yeah, right pal. Don't waste my time.
Three: I'm not joking around here! Someone else is in
my account!
Three: No, I am the snake! Bite bite bite!
One: No, I am the snake! Bite bite bite!
Two: Did you give your password out to anyone?
Three: Well, yeah, to you guys, 'cause you asked for
it.
Two: Haha. You poor sucker. You're fucked now.
Three: Wha--?
(Two throws the phone offstage. Three tries to chomp on it a few
times, then throws it off as well and exits angrily.)
Three: No, I am the snake! Bite bite bite!
One: No, I am the snake! Bite bite bite!
Three: Fuck you, pal! *I* am the snake!
(Two grabs Three between its teeth and throws it offstage, to
the left.)
Two: Your account has been terminated. If you have
any questions, please call us between 9AM and 5PM EST, Monday through Friday.
(One laughs. Two looks around him for a moment, then exits right
briefly and returns with one end of the telephone.)
Two (into the phone): Hello?
(Three enters right, upstage, with the other end of the phone.)
Three: Yes, hello?
Two: Hello, I'm calling on behalf of the Blank
Tableau. I see you've recently cancelled your account with us.
However, since we
value you as a member, we'd like to offer you the opportunity to take
advantage of a great deal and sign back up with us. We'll give you a year
of partly-unlimited access, plus your own copy of Blank Tableaux for
Dummies--filled with tips and tricks you probably never knew!--all for
the bargain price of $69.95, if you sign up today!
Three: You are kidding. You guys just told me I
couldn't get on, now you're telling me I cancelled my account and I have
to pay more money to get it back, plus get mailed a worthless waste of
innocent tree in addition?
Two: Look, pal, I don't get paid enough to put up with
this. Do you want the deal or not?
Three: Eh. I guess.
Two: Great, you got it.
(Both throw their phones offstage. Three exits and re-enters.)
Two (facing audience): Notice to all users: the
tableau will be temporarily unavailable for a period of 72 hours for
maintenance. This period will begin this morning, in approximately three
seconds.
One: Three seconds? That's not even enough time to--
(An unseen force whisks all three staple removers offstage. The
curtain falls suddenly and quickly. The "Goodbye" sound is heard faintly in
the background.)
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