I Am the Snake, Bite Bite Bite: Cain & Abel cut
-by evil_deceiver-

Scene I

(A blank stage/desk. Staple Remover #1 wanders onto the tableau. He is dragging behind him a sizeable basket of fruit. He drags it to the center of the tableau, stops, and looks heavenward, insofar as staple removers are capable of this act.)

One: I am Cain, eldest son of Adam and Eve, and a tiller of the soil. I bring an offering to the LORD from the fruit of the soil. Offer offer offer!

(Staple Remover #2 wanders onto the tableau. He is dragging behind him the carcass of an animal. He drags it to the center of the tableau, stops, and looks heavenward, insofar as staple removers are capable of this act.)

Two: I am Abel, second born son of Adam and Eve, and a keeper of flocks. For my part, I bring to the LORD an offering of one of the best firstlings of my flock. Offer offer offer!

(Staple Remover #3 descends ex machina. It comes to rest in a position about halfway between the stage and the rafters, perhaps slightly higher.)

Three: (Aside to the audience.) I am the LORD. Smite smite smite! (Turning to Two.) Abel, I look with favor on you and your offering.

Two: Yay! (Exits.)

Three (to One): But on you, Cain, and your offering, I do not.

(One becomes resentful and crestfallen, insofar as staple removers are capable of this act.)

Three: Why are you so resentful and crestfallen? If you do well, you can hold up your head; but if not, sin is a demon lurking at your door: his urge is toward you, yet you can be his master.

One: I don't see what sin has to do with it. I gave you an offering from my harvest, Abel gave you one from his flocks. You like his, but not mine. Seems kinda arbitrary to me.

Three: Dude, what do you think I am, a vegetarian or something?

One: Are you penalizing me for being a farmer rather than a shepherd? Are future generations to infer that you like one trade more than the other? Should all farmers hide from you in shame?

Three: I'm just saying, your offering sucked, his didn't. Look, man, I've only got two of you down there. I've got to play favorites somehow. Go have some kids or something. Then we can spread some of this around.

One: Have kids? With whom? My mom?

Three: That's the overwhelming biological likelihood.

One: Man, if you've got to choose between us, what about the fact that Abel had to kill something to get his offering? I didn't hurt a fly! Pesticides haven't even been invented yet, for Christ's sake. In fact Christ hasn't even come down yet, so I don't even know what I'm talking about.

Three: You've got it all wrong, man. Killing is only wrong sometimes. I don't care if he slaughters one of my creatures. Just so long as he doesn't eat it on a Friday.

One: Friday? What the hell has Friday got to do with anything?

Three: Kid, I'm getting sick of your punk-ass attitude. You saw what I did to Mommy and Daddy. You don't want me to have to get creative now, do you?

One (meekly): No.

Three: Good. (Exits to the rafters.)

(One mopes. Enter Two, whistling gaily to himself. He crosses to meet One.)

Two: Hey, Cain! Beautiful day, isn't it?

One (brightening): Abel! What say you and I go out in the field?

Two: Sure! (They exit.)

Scene II

(The field. Enter One and Two, together. They cross to the middle of the field, then halt. One opens and closes his fangs menacingly.)

One: Bite bite bite!

(One attacks Two and kills him. He then pushes Two's body off to a remote corner of the stage. Enter Three, as before.)

Three: Where is your brother Abel?

One: I do not know. Am I my brother's keeper?

Three: What have you done! Listen: Your brother's blood cries out to me from the soil!

One: So?

Three: Um, well, that's a pretty blatant violation of the Fifth Commandment.

One: But Moses hasn't been born yet either! Besides, you said killing was only wrong sometimes!

Three: Yeah, well, you just found one of the times when it is. Not a good day to be you, huh?

One: Are you planning to run the world like this for all time, or do you think it might get old eventually?

Three: If it ain't broke, I won't fix it.

One: Damn it, man! You can't just toy with people's lives as if they were nothing!

Three: Who'll stop me? I can and will. For instance, here's your punishment. (Clears throat.) You shall be banned from the soil that opened its mouth to receive your brother's blood from your hand. If you till the soil, it shall no longer give you its produce. You shall become a restless wanderer on the earth.

One: Jeez, you really do have it in for farmers.

Three (taunting): I'm sorry, I don't think I quite caught that.

One: Um, I said . . . my punishment is too great to bear. Since you have now banished me from the soil, and I must avoid your presence and become a restless wanderer on the earth, anyone may kill me at sight.

Three: Not so! If anyone kills Cain, Cain shall be avenged sevenfold. (Puts a mark on One, lest anyone should kill him at sight.)

One: A quick death just wouldn't be enough for you, would it?

Three: You're boring me, kid. I'm gonna go watch the snake trying to learn how to crawl around on his belly. Heh! That'll teach him to let Satan look like him. (He exits, as before.)

(One sighs. He stands still for a moment.)

Three (offstage): Hey! I thought I banished you! I don't see you leaving!

(One exits, slowly, with a heavy heart. Curtain.)

The Cain & Abel cut of "I Am the Snake, Bite Bite Bite" is based, somewhat loosely, on chapter four of the Book of Genesis, as translated in The New American Bible for Catholics, © 1970 by the Confraternity of Christian Doctrine, Washington, D.C.

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