30 April 1998
Name: Whitney Fitzgerald Freemesser
<whitfitz@servtech.com>
Subject Staple Removers
Thank you for recognizing the theatrical potential of staple removers. About three years ago I was temping at a law firm and got so frickin' bored one afternoon I wrote a play for three staple removers. Here it is, in its entirety:
I AM THE SNAKE, BITE BITE BITE (A blank stage/desk. STAPLE REMOVER #1 wanders onto the tableau.) STAPLE REMOVER #1: I am the snake! Bite bite bite! (STAPLE REMOVER #1 opens and closes its fangs menacingly. STAPLE REMOVER #2, a slightly larger staple remover, wanders into the scene.) STAPLE REMOVER #2: No, I am the snake! Bite bite bite! (STAPLE REMOVER #2 opens and closes *its* fangs menacingly. STAPLE REMOVER #3, the biggest staple remover of them all, drops down, as if from the heavens.) STAPLE REMOVER #3: NO. *I* AM THE SNAKE. BITE BITE BITE! (STAPLE REMOVER #1 and #2 flee.) THE END.
I think that some explanation of this is actually in order. I found this on the Brunching Shuttlecocks' mail page one day. You know how sometimes you see something, and you know you've just seen something that will change your life forever? Well, that's how it was. So I immediately pasted the text into a mail and sent it off to all my friends (and some of my enemies). And that, dear reader, is how internet legends begin.
I should be entirely remiss were I not to give prominent mention to Whitney Fitzgerald Freemesser, from whose unusual mind was born this piece of avant-garde theatre. We all owe her a great debt of gratitude. So go visit her web page. It's funny. More of the same.
You can still view the original letter on the Shuttlecocks' Old Mail page. I believe it was written in response to their Office Supply Ratings. The writing of the play was also documented in Ooze Magazine.
In keeping with the theory--which I have advanced to anyone willing to listen, and some who weren't--that I Am the Snake, Bite Bite Bite is "the distilled essence of all human interaction", I will be utilizing this space to showcase variations on the theme. Anyone is invited to write one, and anything that has even remote humor value and fits the general paradigm stands a very good chance of getting posted. Don't send me anything if you value the copyright.
AOL Cut
Fascist Cop Cut
Rodney King Cut
Minimalist Cut
Popeye Cut
Cain & Abel Cut
Loyola College Cut
StarCraft Cut
StripCreator Cut
Game Freak/Pokémon Cut
As eventually happens with all good theater, IATSBBB has been made into a movie! Check out I Am the Snake, Bite Bite Bite: The Moving Picture!